Cross Me Off Your List
by Avada Cait-davra
Summary: Rorschach left untold secrets burried within his journal, and it is just these parts the New Frontiersmen decides to publish. How will Dan react after finding out the secret is about him? I am so bad at summaries. M for language and themes.


**Disclaimer**: I don't own the Watchmen, or anything associated with it because I am not that brilliant.

This is my first Watchmen fic. I hope you enjoy it. I also hope I got Rorchach's speech patterns and character right. Enjoy.

_Rorschach's Journal. October 17th, 1985._

Went to Dan's house yesterday, haven't been able to think of anything else since. Went to tell him my mask killer theory- wasn't home. Broke the lock. Wasn't hard, never was. Let myself into kitchen, looked around. Exactly like it was ten years ago. Walls same pale yellow, same table, chairs. Calendar in sam spot as it used to be, though obviously different one than I remember. Same subject though. Birds.

Looked around cupboards, treated myself to some canned beans. Dan wasn't going to eat them. Sat down and waited for him to come home. Finally did. Shot down my idea. Whatever. Know I'm right.

Now I sit on roof of building above where prostitutes hunt their prey. I can hear them shrieking, can see some of them in alley below. Shudder. Somehow thoughts on Dan again. He looked almost like he used to, much like kitchen. Same glasses thickly covering same brown eyes. Same hair, chocolate like eyes. Same nose- slightly crooked. Same mouth- full lips, same small space between front teeth. I miss the old days. Why am I only one who did not give in? I miss being his partner. Nostalgia overtakes, and not Veidt's latest line of shit. I remember nights on call. I remember talking to Dan, being with him every day, every night. Remember rubbery smell of his sweaty spandex after fights. Remember licking lips chapped behind my face every time he walked into room. Remember suppressing emotions and feelings. No stranger to that.

I sit here swooning while whores cry out to their five minute lovers. The world is burning. He won't remember her in morning, or child he's inadvertently given her. World is burning, we are all powerless to do anything but watch as flames eat our lives.

_October 18th._

Still can't get Dan out of head. No matter how hard I try to focus on something else, just can't. They all told me not to be like this. Called me names- different than ones for running around in costume. Those names were for Rorchach, these for Walter. Spouted from uncaring, callous mouths of ignorant people. People I wanted to hurt, from moment they started. Started with slanders like whoreson. Was true. Stopped fighting back to that one after while. After that stopped phasing me, they moved on. To things like queer, and fag. Wanted to rip out tongues. Didn't know why it bothered me so much. Then, I realised. It was because name was also true.

Since night I walked in on my mother pleasuring some asshole, realised that was never what I wanted. Never to make woman scream like that. Screams of men better. Don't mind hurting them. If it does hurt. Wouldn't know. No one's loved me enough to try. No one's ever loved me enough.

Want to tell Dan how I feel. Given him enough hints over years, too dense to figure anything out. Close to telling him so many times. Couldn't bring myself to. Didn't want to lose him. Didn't want to deal with shame or rejection. Considered Dan only friend. If that meant never telling, if that meant only loving him silently, I was prepared to deal with that. And did. For fifteen years, I worshipped very ground he walked on. One time, only time, hurt in battle, way his arms felt under my back as he carried me to Archie was unforgettable. Even though was half conscious.

Pathetic. Wasting time on impossible things while filth teems in streets. Can't think about anything but Dan. Damn it. Going to have to tell him if I have any plans to irradicate killer.

_October 18th- 2:30 A.M._

Can't sleep. Won't sleep. Can't tell Dan. Will hate me. Probably already does. How could ever have thought was good enough for someone to love? How could I be so stupid? Blood on my elbow. From where not important. Sticky. Stings. Want to sleep. Want to be in his arms. Want to show him my face. Want him to know there's more than just mask.

Went to his house tonight. Couldn't go in. Sat on roof. Cried. Am pathetic. Then, went to bar and broke man's fingers. If people would just answer first time...

Now back on Dan's roof, shivering. He doesn't even know I'm here. Doesn't matter. Don't want him to find out. Want to watch him sleep. Can't risk going to window though. Curl up in crease of roof and try to close eyes before sun rises. Don't sleep.

_October 22_

Dan's roof now one of favorite haunts. Drop in occasionally. Don't say anything about anything. Tormenting myself, coming here every night.

Jon left today. Left Earth. Apparently gave people cancer. Don't know whole story yet. Will figure out soon. Dan's door opens, peek over the gutter. Laurie? She's crying. Can't hear. Dan lets her in. Of course he does. Trying not to be jealous. Trying not to be possessive. My partner, My Nite Owl, my Dan, my fantasy. Decide I'm dropping in on Dan tonight. Will go insane up here otherwise. Can't tell him with her around. She can't be staying night, can she? She wouldn't do that. Have to wait and see.

_October 22, 10:30 P.M._

Laurie staying night. More than that. Walked outside livingroom window- she was fucking him by glow of television. Dan obviously enjoying every minute of it. Feel like my stomach is completely gone. All hope is gone. Don't know why it's such a surprise. Knew he didn't love me. Why can't I stop crying? On top of old building now. Never going back to his roof. Never want to see him again. Screaming all the air out of lungs over sweat and fornication in alley below me. My noise blends right in. No one flinches, no one looks. I want to end it. Want to end everything. But can't. Never give in. Never compromise.

_Don't know what day it is anymore._

Lost count. Don't care. Just want to die already. Can't stay in jail. Restless. Going to blow these men to bits first chance I get. NIghts are terrible. So much for solitary confinement supposed to be in. Others get in. Guards don't care. Don't watch. Turn blind eye to shadows of cell. Bars make lines on ugly faces. Throw me to floor. Do things I don't want to say. Make me feel weak. I know I could break all their bones, easily. Can't though. Then get in more trouble. They do whatever they want, do things I don't want them to. Face down on dirty floor, cold, bottom half naked, I pretend they're Dan. Can't cry. Can't give them satisfaction. Let them do what they want. Try to disappear. Never works. Won't let them break me. Never. Not how wanted to lose innocence- if I can even be called innocent anymore. Not how wanted to lose virginity. Wanted Dan. Dan or no one. Isn't how it's supposed to be. Not on a grimy floor with grimy, disgusting, vile, rough men. Can't they cross me off their list and move on? No. I can hear them coming down hall. Echoing. Another gang rape. And authorities won't do shit. Keene Act was world's savior.

_Later._

Saved. Dan of all people saved me. Saved me from them, their cold hands, warm bodies, from their vile actions. Alone in Archie with him. Trying to comfort him over Laurie- left with Jon. Hard to accomplish. Deep down am glad. Hate seeing him sad though, am trying best to console him. Not working, making him more angry. Stupid thing to say. Am tripping over words for some reason. I want to be off this ship. I want to tell him and jump out window. Never have to look at his face again. Can't. On way to Alaska. To Veidt. The bastard. May be last chance to tell Dan. May die on mission, both of us may. I hope to a God I never believed in that he doesn't die. He deserves to live. Of all people he does. And if I do, then he can forget all about me. He can cross me off his list and move on.

xXx

"Dan!" Laurie yelled from her chair at the kitchen table, paper in hand. "Dan, where are you?" She stood and continued yelling, still clutching the latest copy of the New Fronteirsmen in her fist. "Dan, come on! Stop playing games, this is important! Damn it, Dan!"

"Laurie, calm down." Dan said, emerging from his basement lair, wiping his glasses on the tail of his shirt. "What's going on?"

"Well, why don't you tell me?" Laurie said as she thrust the paper into his hands.

"Ugh, why are you reading this garbage? What does it say about us this week?" Dan asked, unfolding the paper and seeing the headine. His eyes widened as they fell on the text. "RORSCACH- CRIME FIGHTER OR QUEER?" screamed across the front page. "Oh my God. Where do they get off saying that?"

"Like you don't know. Just sit down and keep reading. Maybe it will refresh your memory." She pushed him into a chair and opened the paper in front of him.

"Why are you so upset, dear? Is it that bad?"

"Oh, don't 'dear' me. Just read it."

Dan did as he was demanded, confused as to why Laurie was getting so angry. His eyes slid down the page, getting slower as they went. Getting wetter. Tears were falling by the end. He never knew. Never even suspected. But now that it had been said, he could think of a million times Rorschach had started to say something and stopped. He'd simply overlooked it. He could think of a million hints Rorschach had dropped. He could think of all the time he'd been alone in that dark ship with him and wanted to simply tear his maks off, and tear the rest of the clothes off his being and-

"Well? Is that why?"

"Why what?" Dan asked, completely confused.

"Why the first time we had sex...why you couldn't..."

"No! God, Laurie, no! I love you, Laurie, you know that."

"Do I?"

"I never even knew about Rorschach. He never told me. We never...he never told me!" Dan said, flustered. He could feel his cheeks flushing.

"Then why is your face getting red? You just expect me to believe you?"

"Yes, Laurie." Dan stood. "I love you. You are the only one in my life."

"Yeah, now. Because he's dead."

"Why won't you believe me? We used to be partners. We were twenty, at best. We were both curious. But I never had any lasting feelings for him once the partnership faded and broke. I guess he did. We never did _anything_. I wouldn't lie to you."

"I don't know if I can believe you just like that."

"Ask Jon. Isn't he supposed to know everything?" Dan said.

"Maybe I will. I don't know what to think Dan. Everything's just so...weird lately. Nothing's what I think anymore. First Jon, then Veidt, now you? I...I need to go for a walk. Don't wait up for me. I don't know when I'll be home." Laurie kissed Dan on the cheek and left the house, taking her coat and purse with her.

Dan sighed and reread the paper. Twice, three times. His eyes were beginning to hurt. He wished Rorschach was still alive so they could talk about this. He wished he could go back in time and relive one of those long nights on patrol. He made himself a pot of coffee and sat in Archie the rest of the night, wishing, wanting his name to be at the top middle and end of Rorschach's list.

**Please!** Tell me what you thought. I am desperate for feedback on this one. I want to improve!


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